Life

"In life we are faced with many trials and tribulations. I wish it were easier. As the peaks and valleys find their way into our lives, a man discovers the valleys run deeper as time goes on. This makes the peaks harder to obtain, but much more enjoyable once you reach the summit."

Written above is my version of something my father told me. It takes a village to raise a child, but an army to build a man. So few men in my generation listen to their elders and peers. I draw so much from each and every person I have known. From my kids to my Grandparents, I have learned to live.

Yet, I do not feel alive. The valleys run deeper. Those valleys have become central in my life. The peaks surround me, but any direction I chose seems to lead deeper into said valley. Depression sets in and I am reminded of four generations of mental instability before my own on my mothers side, then I am reminded how little I know about my father's side. Then  I go off tangent and wonder what truly happened?

Eight years ago I met the love of my life. Six years ago we had our first kid. Five years ago we married. Four, we bought a single wide. Three, we had our second kid. Finally, one year ago, we broke the thirty thousand financial barrier. For some, these are accomplishments. Others, well, the others contribute to my valleys and drive me to work harder. But then, how did I get to this point?

Eight years ago, I had college in my cross hairs, Six years ago, I was a new father, Five years ago, I was space bound, a new husband, and on the fast track to management. Four, I got fired. Three, like a phoenix from the ashes I rose back up and took my job back with more pay. Finally, One year ago, I restarted my career at the age of twenty-five. For some, this is a show of drive....oh who cares. Fact of the matter is, life is hard. I wish I could do better with finding a point to this damn entry.

I guess what matters is the one thing. When you figure it out, cherish it. When I figure it out, I may or may not say what it is. It is just that one thing. Stems from a Billy Crystal movie. One thing. You struggle all life to attain it, then you die. Dirt covers you, your kids mourn. Then your grand kid's children look for you on a website devoted to finding your bloodline for a monthly fee.

Honestly, I don't fear death. I fear dying first. what will my family do without me? Sounds selfish, but it is caring. I was born with four grandparents who were evangelists, one who died when I was the same age as my dad when his dad died. Within five years of her death, both sides of my family went to hell. Grandma was friends with my mom's parents. Essentially she was the glue and influence on my mom's side, as well as the matriarch and influence on my dad's side. She is the only person that no one talks down on when she is brought up, and she is known as an angel here almost twenty years since her death.

Same thing happened two years ago with my stepdad's side. Grandpa Mel died and, once again, all hell broke loose. The only difference is that I am an adult in this one, and I get to see the behind the scenes first-hand. Brothers and sisters fighting over habitual nonsense, divorces and separation, infighting (another blog, I promise), and finally disdain.

In the end, I was born into Christianity (Evangelists for God's sake). Because of everything listed above, I feel a thousand miles away from God's influence. I am eternally seeking peaks, but my life is full of obesity, occasional drugs and alcohol, and a load of cigarette smoke. Not to mention high blood pressure, stress, depression, anger, insomnia, passive aggressiveness, and self loathing.

But there is a sun upon those peaks. And I will not vow to quit pizza, smoking, drinking, or tattoos. That's just taboo and cliche. I vow to do right by my wife and kids. Whatever form that takes is for the birds. I just know that I don't want to leave them before they are ready. That's life.