On The Edge

I wish I could be better.

I wish I was skinnier.

I wish I didn’t have this passion

I wish people cared

I know why you jumped

I know why you pulled the trigger

I know why you tipped the stool

I know why the hose was in your cracked window

It shouldn’t be this tempting

It shouldn’t be a forgone conclusion

It shouldn’t be the only answer

It shouldn’t be, It shouldn’t be

I fear tomorrow without you

I fear your voiceless feelings

I fear I am why

I fear death

What if there is no heaven or hell?

What if we don’t even know we are not breathing?

What if we do?

What if there is only darkness and my time is soon forgotten?

There are many who never have the answer

There are few that do

There are some who act

There are some who don't

And yet, still, you’re gone

And yet, I sometimes envy you

And yet, sometimes I hate you

And yet, sometimes I hate me

I miss your voice

I need your wisdom

I feel alone

Especially so high up

I need to know where you went

I need to see you again

I need to go

See you soon

Finding The Words

A draw of a cigarette.
The smell of alcohol on his breath.
Face and hands of leather.
Laughter, even in the face of death.

Immortality now in question.
He drags, from his shirt pocket, another smoke.
Sips another sip. Smiles that old smile.
"Cancer," he says, "as if it were a joke."

"Never thought I'd live to see it.
"All the things that almost killed me,
"and its not even in my lungs.
"But, its not as bad as I thought it'd be."

"I know I wont see the year's end."
He smiles and drags another puff.
"Treatment might help," he says.
His face reads well, the old man is tough.

"I love you grandson."
With those words, I wake.
He's been gone many years.
I've always felt it a mistake.

"Take the phone. I can't hear him!"
The last words I ever heard him say.
I should've gone to see him.
I live with that every day.

Regret was not in his vocabulary.
He never allowed the bad memories to torment.
I strive to be that strong.
In his memory, I embrace every moment.

But once in a blue moon.
My mind allows me to see him and right the wrong.
Merely a fantastic dream,
almost makes up for the tears in a song.

The radio plays, I find it comforting.
He always said to allow myself a cry.
I do, I allow the tears to converse.
As if to say, "I love you old man, goodbye."

Our Hill

Dawn breaks, we sneak.
Matt and Marcos close behind.
Sergeant beside me, he slows.
We follow suit, my gut begins to wind.

Our nerves are shattered.
Our friends are lost.
In silence we seek the enemy.
Destroy them at all cost.

Sergeant pulls the pin, nods at us.
As his grenade finds its place in the dark,
the morning's silence is shattered.
Time to make our mark.

We open fire and all hell breaks loose.
Another down, and another.
We all cry as dogs of war.
Killing as many as we can for our fallen brothers.

No commandments on our mind.
We shall kill this day.
Honor our brother in life.
That is our way.

Another enemy falls,
for each of our dead we kill ten more
Another brother falls,
we can't allow them to even the score.

Boys become men
Men become ghosts
The time for battle was now
and we were the gracious host.

For Johnny! For Troy!
We annihilate in thier name.
Then, a buzzing of hot lead.
A machine gun to blame.

Sarge cries out,
"Get that foxhole, boys! They'll kill us all!"
I jump, Marcos jumps
Matt takes a hit, then a fall.

He looks at me, reaches out his hand
The buzzing returns, he's hit to many time to count.
"Boys!" Sarge yells,
"You get up there and take 'em out!

"We've got to secure that hole!"I yell.
Marcos and I outrun the gun.
Bayonets at the ready, we stab and slash.
Secured the weapon, but the fight was not done.

Just a few more left
I wanted the flag, to take the hill!
Pain, I look down. Blood drips from my stomach.
I try to press on, my body doesn't have the will.

I fall, cry out for a medic.
Marcos, he comes to my aid.
I look up in time to see the bullet rip his jaw.
Then, my vision began to fade.

We both lie there motionless.
The bullets recede, the battle is won.
"We did it, Marcos." I grab his hand.
"The mission is done."

The Mound They Died On

"Drive forward men!"
The stench of sick and death surrounds.
We drive forward.
Head on into the blood curling sounds.
"Don't stop until you're dead, boys!"

We cry out to intimidate.
Bullets shred those around us, we press on if we're alive.
We cry out of fear.
Returning fire, not to kill, but to survive.

Johnny, Marcos, Matt, and Troy beside me.
Soon only Matt by my side
The other three either fell behind.
I cannot wonder if they died.

My focus on the hill, we must take the hill
We drive forward.
A graze of hot lead on my arm
We drive forward

Now Troy catches up and cries, "Give 'em hell!"
Johnny, from behind, fires and screams out.
My closest friends still beside me, they did fall behind.
Now beside me, but one we're without.

Troy runs ahead, and falls.
We hide behind a barrier as he yells for the pain he's in.
More gunfire, he's hit one, two, three more times.
He doesn't move again.

"Move men, move!"
Our Sergeant runs on, we follow.
Explosions nearby, "Grenades, grenades!"
The ground falls hollow.

Johnny's crying from behind, he has fallen.
An explosion silences everything.
I tried to turn to pick him up.
The world begins to ring.

I scream, in a hope that I can bring sound back.
I see Marcos, he picks me up and points.
I look back for Johnny
Johnny's legs have been cut down at the joints

I hear our Sergeant first.
"Forward, move forward!"
Matt approaches Marcos and I.
He helps lift me and we run together.
Two friends lost, our anger has stirred.

We aim to kill,
Our fear is gone.
We drive forward.
Till dusk, and slow with the coming dawn.

We find refuge in a foxhole.
The bullets decide to rest for a moment.
A few hundred yards behind
Troy and Johnny lay dead and dormant

Marcos, Matt, and I survive for now.
We accept the moment to lay still.
The stench of sick and death surrounds.
Tomorrow, we finish taking the hill

At last! My Arm Is Complete Again.

It has been nearly two years since I last used this forum. I have found my pen again and I feel like good old Mr. Todd when he was reunited with his friend. My friend wont drip rubies as old Sweeny's friend had done so well. My friend will glide ferociously across the page and find its mark true, hopefully to enthrall and entertain you. With a crack of my knuckles, I'm going back to basics where my passion for ink and paper began. Poetry was my way of letting my readers know where I was in life as a teenager. Nearing thirty, I need to go back and find out why I lost my friend.

Before the Tide

Insomnia grips me, I can't explain.
Seems like I can't shut off my brain.
Looking back I remember pain.
Looking back I long for the rain.

She tells me it will work out fine.
Look forward, try to forget what's behind.
Search the horizon for what is divine.
Been trying to write what's on my mind.

Therefore, I pledge a tribute.
My story, but not in this fashion.
I will distribute
my story, and fulfill my passion

This format seems best for now.
Moving on, I am not sure how
I can begin again to make you say, "Wow!
The kid's still got it, I'm paying attention now."

She says I'm home again, I feel far away
Three in the morning with so much to say.
A legacy for my kids, I'm hopeful anyway.
There will be more, but not today.

I miss the cold North, now a wanderer I stumble.
The hot South makes me weary, yet I will not abstain.
Seven years have passed by, I sit before you humble.
Soon again I will bathe in the rain.

The Pursuit of Sanity

You can find any moment in life to a song. In the pursuit of happiness, sanity, or even life; you are found wanting. Let's begin with the Pursuit of Sanity, and how I find comfort in listening to my mix of Garth Brooks, Disturbed, Eminem, and Boys II Men. 

See? I am insane.

"Did I try in every way, to show her every day, that she's my only one?"

Those of us with the privilege of marriage can relate. If I die tomorrow, will I have done enough to make sure she knows I loved her and the kids? Will she be able to face the world without me? The thought always crosses my mind.

"Like an unsung melody, the truth is waiting on you to find it"

 We tell lies and we are lied to. We live in world that is all too familiar with deception and greed. finding a light in this darkness is very difficult, but it lies inside you. The eternal flame that is your soul will be your guided light through life.

"But whet happens when Karma turns right around and bite you? And everything you stand for turns on you to spite you?"

Seems like when you have the domino effect, it is never in a good way. Life for the last three years has been peaks and valleys, with the peaks too few to count. Yet the valleys are cherished because we learn from them.

"Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday."

Reliance on the past is a curse but a comfort. Looking back to remember with fondness is akin to strength, for you have learned and loved those moments. Living in the past is akin to weakness, because letting go is hard and you are consumed by the comfort of old feelings. Yet, I admire both ways of life.

Inspiration can be found everywhere.
From:

"I sit back with this pack of zigzags and this bag of this weed."

To:

"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comforts me."

Keep yourself as a good and kind soul and the pursuit of sanity will be a short one. If it helps, begin your day with some old school and work your way to the new classics. Song helps me though my day. A few bars strung with a wicked hi-hat and strong beat, or even a sick guitar riff is all I need to keep my mind on track. I hope my kids learn this appreciation for the intricacies in a song like Joe Cocker's cover of "With a little help from my friends" and the ridiculousness of LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem."

Maybe then they will know that the struggle is real, but have fun with it while you can. Life is like my wife: Short, sexy, sometimes grouchy, and mostly fun. enjoy the pursuit for the length and you will die with sunshine on your face.

Liberty

Defined as the state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one's way of life, Liberty will always stand as an American ideal. But, how ideal is it in today's society? We live daily under restrictions meant to keep a peaceful society. We are restricted by rules of conduct at work and in public. Collectively, we all know not to pee in the pool, not to scream at someone while they are serving you, and not to kill someone.

Maybe we should pee in the pool. Sanitation is not an issue, there is more and more chlorine in pool water each year, the balance from when I was a kid to now is ,uh higher. The pool water I swam in as a kid would be considered river water nowadays. I remember, as a kid, my parents  would let us pee in our trunks beside the pool while we hosed ourselves with water. Can't do that anymore it is indecent exposure. Everything is heightened now. Political correctness, activists, and overzealous moms with a complex make our way of life damn near impossible. I can't pee in a pool of bleach in this era, and i couldn't pee in a pool of water back when I was young. Seems to be safer now to pee in a pool. the only reason you don't drink it is because there are worse chemicals in that pool than urine.

Okay, fine. Can't scream at someone while they are serving me. I agree with this one only because I serve people. I am in the retail industry. You all are the reason why I have a roof, clothing, and food for my family. I don't scream at you because it is my job to fix your issue or fulfill your need. So, morally, why would you yell at me or anyone like me? Because it feels good. Something went wrong, and it is easier to blame the fat bald guy at the counter, because he runs this company. That's your mindset. I know this because I am guilty of being the same way.

Killing someone. Hell no. That violates so much in my soul and it should yours too. My God, taking a life outside of the battlefield is dumb. Someway soon, that will come back to bite you. No one ever truly gets away with murder. If the law doesn't get you, your mind will. Then you will never be sane again.

So what is liberty? Loosely define, it is a wonderful ideal. But, I  can't take any liberty I want, and for good reason. Plain and simple, people are not taking our liberties away, liberties are no inalienable. They are a privilege that we all earn being respectful members of society. I can take the liberty to pee in my personal pool, I can yell at that poor kid at McDonald's, and I can take that primal urge to kill when I hunt deer or duck. But I have to earn that pool (privilege), I have to pay for that meal and pray for no snot (privilege/potential karma), and I have to apply for a hunting license and take a background check for a gun (privilege).

Fact of the matter is, we are all given the opportunity to have liberty. Our fore fathers earned theirs, we should earn ours. We shouldn't be handed weapons, and they shouldn't be completely taken away. We shouldn't be given food, we should work for it and buy it. We shouldn't pee in pools, a courtesy to our fellow man.